Revelations while watching CL

K, my blog is finally working so I'm posting what I wrote on Thursday morning while I *forced* myself to stay up for SOMEone =P I got this cute notebook that I really hope triggers off my creative writing. I'm deathly afraid I won't be able to write anymore. Bah. But then, that's a separate post, isn't it?

Right. I was supposed to type out my "revelations". I want to cuz it really was important, albeit obvious stuff.

"Woohoo. I'm in a relatively GOOD mood. Ok, let's just call it a good mood la.And it's largely due to serendipity, Eddie & Prem, and the ray of sunshine known as Jeevs. I am so thankful in this moment, I really am. They are all right when they say that I am not appreciative enough. I swear I will strive to be more so. It can only improve my life. This is not to say that in this moment, everything is picture perfect or that I won't get depressed again in like 10 minutes when something involving him or Mummy or money crosses my mind. The problems are there and they are significant and they will bring me down but I must make my peace and move forward. The seeds have been planted for a brighter, better future. It is my DUTY to MYSELF to nurture the tentative relationships and oppurtunities that have been given to me. There is a chance to express and explore my creative energy which is ultimately a possible career option and the fulfillment of a lifelong dream. I just need to get back into writing and learn some basics, and most of all, be open to the whole process. It will not be easy, but as I have learnt, nothing worthwhile ever is.

Okay, so what about him? I still haven't decided what to do. Most opinions say, do NOTHING. That is NOT what I want. The question is, why? What do I really believe talking will achieve? Am I seriously still hoping he will want me? If I am, I am so seriously deluded, masochistic and just plain stupid. Resolving our issues? Knowing where I stand? Well, what if he realizes and THAT ends/messed up our friendship? What if he flat-out says, "what friendship?" ?? Is it really better knowing? The most important thing is TOS. Right??? See, that's what it comes down to and Jeev pointed that out. And it IS true. So now, think in terms of TOS and decide the best course of action. Hmm... "

And that's how I left it for the day. There are further revelations and more positive realizations which I will elaborate on in a bit. But the main concern for the moment is getting me some F.O.O.D and for that, I need to shut Ricky up. Bah. But he means well la, so. Anyway, there's this amazing pic that they took without my knowledge. I think it reflects reality so amazingly well, I got to put it up SOMEwhere and this is the only place I can. So there. Now that Jeevs knows my blog address (argh), SOMEone can view it, I guess. I really hope I never forget the lesson depicted so well in that picture. But there I go again, making too much of a simple snapshot. Oh well. The only thing that matters is that I don't allow this to happen again. Learn, child, learn! K, we shall shut up for now and update the "happy" blog instead.

Last post... for a few days, anyway

Well, I shall be Blogger-less and, more importantly, internet-less for the next few days. Sigh. Life already seems to empty, eh. Oh well. Hopefully, it will spur my creativity but methinks reality is, I'll end up reading and day-dreaming and watching tv. Hopefully Mummy and I don't get at each other TOO much. Lol. Yeah.

Okay, so my thoughts are a little scattered, as they always seem to be these days. Don't really wanna think about him although I'm sure that won't last long. Really hope Jeev can come tonight, although that's nothing unusual either. Lol. I'm really depending on him too much. But he's just so... dependable, I guess. The way I am for the real him. Heee, as scrawlingsgirl says. Or maybe indeed is a better word.

What about Johnno? I am so tempted to save his number and sms him sometime. But I know it's one of those bridges that you cannot uncross. Brilliantly original metaphor, I know, I know. Okay, I will save the number but then the rest is up to further consideration. Oops, can't even find the number. Okay, so that will be taken as a sign from the universe. Lol.

I'm actually having fun at the moment. Let's not think about tonight and the DQ's inevitable appearance la. Watching Brokeback - God, it's fucking romantic. Well, not quite in the usual sense but it's a powerful love story, nonetheless. Not agreeing with the way they handle stuff, though. Oh well. Real life, I guess. Gotta go shower first, then hopefully fit in the last bit along with packing and getting dressed. Bah. What happened to the whole empty day?? Where did it go? Hmm. Oh wait, that's a good thing, innit? Lol.

Mel's somewhat happy. Woohoo. Nuff said. Til Thursday or Friday, my nonexistent avid readers.

Dealing is hard

Well, another day, another post about him. While talking to him. My life is just plain weird. I am so in love with him. I know we would not work. I know that even our friendship is on such a superficial level, except when he needs someone to unload on. My God, it's so difficult. At least Ruby and TOG have real conversations. I don't know what caused the shift or whether it's actually always been this way, but it certainly feels different to me now.

Ok, this blog has been open since God knows what time. Been chatting with Pat all day. Hmm, didn't come up with a disguised name for her but I guess it doesn't matter. She was so nice to talk to; it's amazing how much we seem to agree on him! It's really reassuring to hear another female feel the same frustration as me, although naturally hers is on a somewhat different level. I would think she knows how I feel. But thank God she didn't bring it up. She's one amazing chick - putting up with him all these years. I only hope he appreciates her though I doubt he really does. But then, that's probably just my frustration speaking.

Anyway. Looking forward to the movie with Jeev but then, my mood isn't quite the best. And then that whole rule of not talking about HIM. Bah. It's just not possible la. But I really don't want to annoy Jeev and I know it does. So I will try my best. That doesn't sound committed enough, does it? Bah.

I'm telling myself that this guy has inevitably brought all these amazing people into my life. I should just be happy about that and build forward. He is just one of so many amazing people. So I WILL be happy and move on. Maintain a workable relationship with him, yes but do not let it become the focus of life. Jeev is totally right. He's a really confused person, he really is. Speak of the devil... He needs to sort himself out and he's not really trying, as far as I can see. But we're not going to psychoanalyse him. Not now, anyway.

Ok, I gots to get going. The proper analysing of thoughts shall have to wait for tomorrow. I really meant to sort through some more stuff before seeing Jeev so that I could give him something better than my usual him-talk. Oh well. I shall persevere.

Lol. Pat thinks her blog is long? Haha. I'm just such a rambler la. Blah blah blah. Okay, it ends... here.

Where does this go?

Okay. Not really sure why I haven't blogged - though it's only been two days, I have technically had the time to. But I guess what Jeev said makes sense and also, truthfully speaking, I've been afraid to put down exactly what I'm feeling. The insane reasoning behind that brilliant BS being that I can keep deluding myself that things are better, that I am doing better, that I can move on from this right NOW.

So tonight will be the reality check, I guess. Wait, I'm gonna go fuck with my head some more and read her stupid blog first. Gimme a sec. Oh fuck. Why did I read it? I'm such a fucking masochist la. In which case, enjoy this moment. Hah, we just have so much in common, don't we? Well, except for her, of course. Bah.

Oh God. How does this work out? Why doesn't our friendship mean anything to him? I had such dreams. I get it, dreams. But it was based on his suggestions, invitations... I want to say, promises but that's a lie. Still, he was the one to say, dinner. He said, holiday on our own. He said it, and I spun fairy tales and romance and... all the things that they did/do/will do. Oh God.

Why is he... what's the word? Why am I no longer important to him? Is it because I never was? Was the commaraderie (yes, I am aware of what a lukewarm word that is) truly just a front cuz he needed (again, loosely used) my help? Seriously? I just cannot believe that about him. Which is probably my ultimate stupidity.

I keep thinking about telling him. It would mean not being a part of TOS, I guess. At least not for the next production, which would likely end all the friendships, etc. It would mean awkwardness or just flat-out being ignored during Cognitive Psych or anywhere around college. Worse than that, it would probably mean awkward conversations, apologies... I don't even know what else. He's entirely capable of saying, "Hey, let's make out now". And let's be honest here, in the blog that no one reads, I would most likely go along with it. Or I may even throw myself at him. Hell, it worked out pretty well for her, didn't it.

(We shall address the issue of why the fuck he "obliged" if he really didn't want to later)

Okay, so I've listed the potential/likely negative outcomes if I do tell him. Right. So now I shall attempt to find some "positive" outcomes. Lol. But really, there are some. For one, he will at least know why I've been hurting and how much I've been hurting. This isn't so that he feels bad or guilty (although he deserves it - honestly). I care about him too much to want him to hurt. BUT I do want him to understand how difficult this has been and how wrong his behavior is. And yes, there is still that spastic little girl in me who is actually hoping he will really, really want ME. It's not 100% impossible. It isn't gonna happen, but it is still somehow remotely possible. But wait, there must be another reason... right? Right?? K, gimme a sec. Um. Erm. Oh, yeah. Maybe he will react so badly that I will (yes, after crying for months or years) actually snap outta this BS.

Oh God. A Walk to Remember. We all know that I WILL watch it. We also that that it WILL make me cry/depressed/whatever else. This very moment in time, I sincerely don't know how I'm going to survive this situation. I mean that so sincerely. As in, it blows my mind to think that I will never get to ask him, why did that american dude influence you so much? Why didn't you just continue performing arts? Why are you contradictory? Well, the last one I'd rather find out for myself. It kills me that I may never have that easy camaraderie with him again. I didn't make the most of it. But then I didn't know it would be snatched away so soon. No one told me.

He's so amazing. So incredibly frustrating and messed-up but still. One of the most unique people I've ever known. So much potential. How can I not love him? Oh God.

Jeev said to never mention him again. Oh God. I don't know how I'm going to get through this. I know I can but I don't really want to. Not in that way, just that I really don't want to believe it's impossible. Can I say it here? I think we could be awesome together. I really do. I don't mean that it would be perfect. We'd probably fight a lot, especially in the beginning. But if he can let me in and I can accept the million things he wants to see/try/be, it could be amazing. We're both smart, kind, decent, lonely, searching. At least, I used to think so. But maybe I don't actually know him.

So sleepy right now. Really unsure about this skate-surf thing. I just don't wanna be home all day. But then seeing them. Bah. Forget it la. We're not addressing the other things tonight. Need to rest me eyes.

I can't believe this

Oh my god. You are just kidding me, right? What happened today did not really happen today. It didn't, right? I know it fucking did but please, please tell me it didn't. He didn't tell me those things. I don't know that they made out. That she left her fucking panties in his fucking car. I don't know any of that. And I definitely didn't read on her fucking blog that it happened TWICE. What the fuck happened twice??? WHAT???????

Oh my God. I cannot handle this. I mean, yes, I know I can and I will but this is such fucking bullshit. Insane. He has no right to tell me things like this. What the fuck is his problem?? What the fuck? Go tell TOG or some guy friend or any fucking one else. Not me. It was already going to be hard. It was already going to be so damn hard. Now...

My God, I'm such a loser. I read her first stupid entry and I never once thought they had made out. Never once entered my mind. How much stupider can I get? I never really expected them to... and that's my ultimate stupidity, isn't it? We all saw the fucking spark or whatever you wanna call it, I said I knew he was into her. But clearly, my stupid little heart didn't really accept it. My stupid, little broken heart.

And then I had to put that message on MSN. And he had to fucking come online. "Except me, yes? :)" Fuck you. I'm talking about YOU, moron. But I can't tell you that, can I? What the fuck happens next? If I tell him that I'm uncomfortable (God Almighty, understatement of the century) talking about stuff like that, he's going to wonder why and ask stupid questions. And anyway, that message is bound to make him wonder, ain't it? Here's one time I sincerely hope he just ignores me and moves on. It won't solve all my problems but it's better than nothing. Oh God, but it really won't solve my problems.

Oh my God, I am so angry. I am so upset. I cannot even think right now. This is an insane situation. Tell him. The friendship is over. The friendship isn't enough anymore. But it's better than nothing. Is it really? Pretending, listening to more of him fucking her or whatever it is that they'll be doing next? Wanting him so bad and knowing he doesn't even see me as a woman. What does he see me as????? Some glorified groupie? Have I been throwing myself at him? He totally takes me for granted. Oh God.

Talking to Jeev didn't make me feel better. That's a first. Made me feel worse, in fact. That's not supposed to happen. They clearly don't really care if I'm around or not. Take it or leave it. Ruby, him, possibly even Jeev. Clearly then all the rest don't care either. This always happens. I cannot take it anymore. I cannot keep putting myself out there and get rejected. I just cannot handle this.

I'm ready to give up right now. I just don't know how to get out of this. I feel completely stuck. I cannot even think properly. But I know sleep won't come. Not really. Oh God. What do I do? How did everything go so wrong just when it seemed to change for the better? Why does everything fuck up for me? What am I doing wrong? She says that I "let" it happen. What the fuck does that mean? I didn't want to fall in love with him.

Oh fuck it all. I'm going to try to sleep.

Gotta sort through some of these feelings!

Okay, there's really no time to blog but I have to sift through some of this stuff. Just can't think about him yet. But TOS, the awesome people involved and all the crazy and stressful moments are things I sincerely hope I never forget. I really want to list them all cuz they deserve it but then this isn't the place for it. God, I really hope we get another oppurtunity to hang together, yesterday was just not enough cuz we were all tired and had to get home and the emotions were still running to high, for me at least. I really regret not making the most of the emo-circle but things were just too raw at the time. It is so important to me that they all know how I feel and how much I enjoyed this and how sorry I am for the mistakes I made and stress I caused.

What will I do without the rehearsals? No more listening to unbelievably funny and gripping scripts, no more watching him and PY carefully watching and directing in the truest sense of the word, no more lifting props and dealing with costumes, no more mamak/indian dinners/suppers (!!!) and quite probably, no more late-night conversations with him and Jeev. Wow. It's just crazy. How can this have only been a part of life for TWENTY-SEVEN days?? My God! It felt like coming home in so many ways, I cannot believe how comfortable I am with some of them. It's such a gift, one that I hope I can nurture. I know I'm being all Hallmark-ish but that is how I feel right now. I really don't want this to be the end of any of the relationships, except for her la. I really don't hate her but she just isn't my cup of tea. Similiarly I don't see myself being close to Sugar&Spice but that doesn't make her any less of an awesome person. We all have our skills and plus points and immense weaknesses (with the possible exception of TOG cuz she's just so darn loveable!) but it no longer matters to me. Even if she loves him and he loves her, it doesn't make her a bad person or whatever.

I'm talking to him now. It's so clear that there's nothing there on his part. This is heartbreaking. OH God. I will not cave. Enjoy the moment. You will be okay. You've accepted this.

Ah, dinner invitation!! Be strong, Mel. You have gotta be strong. There's the studying to get done but far more importantly, there's your mental and emotional stability. You cannot risk blurting everything out. And right now, it is SUCH a clear-cut possibility.

Okay, I stayed strong and postponed (lol) the dinner. So I have some time to build up my defenses, assuming that's possible. God, he's amazing.

Right. I can't sit here and wait for him all day, much as I'm tempted to. Gotta get to work. Final thought : he's amazing.

It's all over

Wow. I'm so overwhelmed. There's just too much. I simply cannot think about any of it right now. All I know is, I love him and he gave me this tremendous, amazing, life-changing oppurtunity and it's OVER. That is more than I can handle. I don't know what to do. I really, really don't. I have to just stop my brain, get some rest and start studying when I wake up in 5 hours. There's enough time to think about him and this and life from Wednesday onwards. Oh God.

I'm just shutting up now.

Overwhelming days... and nights

Wow. Literally, I could write for hours about the events of the last four days and nights. They have been some of the craziest, most exhausting, frustrating and exhilarating times of my entire crazy life. I really wish I'd been able to blog every night cuz now I am at a bit of a loss as to what to say.

Let's see. Wednesday was insanely stressful cuz we went to the theatre only to find that rehearsals, which were scheduled to start at 5pm, could only begin at like, 10pm. So we had hours of waiting which was so hard for me cuz it meant that the backstage couldn't even work on props placement. So we only had ONE rushed run and then we had to leave. Everyone was massively stressed, tired and worried (except for most of the actors, who just don't seem to worry).

Thursday... I was a massive ball of stress and fear. I was so certain we would screw up, big time. But right now all I can remember is that it went off pretty darn well, except for the screw-up with the barstool and some other minor things. Ooh, I remember trying desperately to keep my mom (ah, getting angry now and there's no time to talk about her) away from him and how Tamil-movie-like it was when I ran through the theatre to the front doors only to watch them greeting each other. That didn't actually turn out that badly but then there was supper which was just an exercise in frustration. My expectations of him and everyone. I really just felt so unappreciated cuz no one really acknowledged us and we were stuck clearing up frickin cigarette boxes. I felt so crappy and the thought of doing it 5 more times was insane. But Jeev was awesome; I don't know what I would've done without him in the last few weeks, for so many reasons. (And no, I'm not just saying this because there's an off chance you may find my blog someday) He's been so patient with me and yeah, even though he may make some assumptions sometimes, at least he's there for me. He's been the only person I can talk to, really talk to and that has been pricless.

Thank you, sincerely. It means more to me than I can say. I really, really hope we remain friends, but in the light of last night, I guess you'd have to be nuts to hang around me. All I can say is, I'm really sorry about her and I cannot change the way she is; God knows I've tried for years. I hope you can just forget it but I know it's not likely.

Sigh. Now I really don't want to write about Friday and yesterday and anyway, I don't have the time to. Please let me make today the best it can be.

Access denied - are you kidding me?

For whatever reason, I decided to check out my own blog (since no one else can) and imagine my surprise when I found that it said, you guessed it, "Access Denied!". Are you frickin' kidding me? I mean, my God. DQ (almost typed her real name there) copy and pastes (yes, you know that's what you really did) the word Bitch a gazillion times and that's allowed to be displayed but my occasional swear word is blocked??

Fuck you!

There, deny access to that, why don't you? Your welcome, by the way. I mean, seriously, this is insane. It goes against the whole freedom of speech whatever BS that the internet is supposed to stand for. It just defeats the purpose of having a website to post your thoughts on if you can only put the nice ones on it.

Bah.

Anyway, let's get to the point(s) for today since I'm supposed to be studying at the moment. I can't have him. Oops, aren't we stating the obvious there, sweetheart? Yes, indeed we are but since it doesn't seem to have sunk into my naive little head, I guess I gots to keep repeating it. Can't hurt (except to cloud my whole day, but what the hey). I want him so much. There, another incredibly helpful statement. I have to figure out a way to stop thinking of him and being consumed by this feeling. He has so much power over my emotions right now. I would let him do or say anything, basically, and that's just inexcusable. I really need to see that this is a no win situation and back the hell out of it ASAP. Now. Just do it, cuz you don't want to go through this kind of pain again. You need to be stronger than this cuz no one can get you out of it. Remember what getting over Keith was like. Remember the hours lying in bed tormenting yourself with sad songs and empty fantasies.

Oh God. This is so fucked up. I should just stop. I'm going to try to study and then face him with the task at hand and nothing else. No expectations. It's pointless because he doesn't see me that way. So just focus. You want this show to be the best it can be. You've sacrified a lot of time, money and sweat on it. So keep to the show and the rest will sort itself out in due time. That conversation, the humiliating, awkward, my-life-is-over one, can wait.

Shit.

Crazy up-and-down day!

Wow, what a day this has been. I mean, my goodness. Good, bad, ugly as hell, blah, raging headache, jealous rage, mushy centre... what else could you ask for, eh?

Ruby's faith in me and Jeev's concern stand out as the highlights, I guess. Although to be perfectly honest, HIS faith in my ability to take control of the backstage is probably the most "warm-and-fuzzy" part of today. Just unfortunate that he didn't say it in the best of ways and all that.

But I guess it's good to be thought of highly, no matter what. I just have to tell myself that right now cuz there's too much on the line for me to screw up by overanalyzing or whatever. There's time enough to think about US (hah) later. But man, he's back to being in a weird mood la... Bah.

Can't do anything about that la. I can just help as much as I can but there's a limit to that, as well. But anyways, I'm not gonna think about that now. Like how I'm not gonna think about him or how much that exposed underbelly of flaws and insecurities is totally fucking adorable. Not for one second will I think of that.

Oh my God, Ruby thinks he may be gay!! God, if I fell for ANOTHER gay guy...! I would seriously die. But no la, he's so totally into TOG. Lol, and Ruby's answer to that is "Maybe he's bi". Lord, in some ways homosexuality would be a good thing... No, I don't really mean that.

Okay, I am NOT thinking about this. Not til the lights are off, at least. Damn, there's just so much going on these days... Help!

Surprisingly blah mood

Hmm... Kind of a weird day, in all. I mean, I'm sitting here now feeling very blah about everything. Nothing really stands out, other than perhaps seeing more of his neuroticisms and realising that Ruby actually cares about my opinions (which sincerely speaking, gave me a great feeling). He was in a weird mood again. Weird's probably not the right word, more like, totally absorbed in his thoughts and worries and all the other stuff that I'm dying to be a part of but that he will never let me into.

Sigh.

Guess it's not so much of a blah mood, after all.

But let's keep telling myself that blah is what it is. Much simpler that way. Oh God, what was that Avril song? Let's go find out - it was so fucking fitting it's insane!! Ooh, I found another one called Things I'll Never Say. Lord, this would be so frickin funny if only it weren't so true. My God. I gotta post the lyrics sometimes, after I actually hear the song =P

Okay, so the song I heard in his car today is called "Fall to Pieces" and yeah, it is really nice and pretty darn fitting for my low moments when for whatever reason, he is the only person that I want to run to. But it's not AS fitting as the one I accidentally discovered. But damnit, these songs are depressing. =(

I really want him. I feel so stupid; it's just so spastic watching him fawn over TOG and wanting him for myself. He is so into her and even though she does nothing to encourage or whatever and she's so NICE and cool, it drives me nuts to have to watch him at it. He's so transparent that I just wanna shake him and go, "Not happening, sweetheart!" but then someone ought to do that to me, as well. Bah.

Ah, fuck this la. The only thing that will result from this train of thought is my sadness. I cannot do anything about this, other than to take the plunge and tell him how I feel. And I am most certainly not ready to do that. Darn, I missed my final chance to watch Chris's Idol perfomance. Damn, that was a really sweet song he sang. But then, also depressing - go figure.

Okay, enough of all this. Tomorrow's another full day. Gotta sort the frickin' costume shit out once and for all. Need to get the money thing sorted as well and also fit in some honest-to-God studying time. Double bah.

I deserve a fucking island holiday with the guy I like, damnit!!

Will Young - how appropriate

Wow. Just listened to Will Young's "Leave Right Now" and I just have to post the lyrics here.

I think I better leave right now
Before I fall any deeper
I think I better leave right now
Feeling weaker and weaker
Somebody better show me out
Before I fall any deeper

The rest of the lyrics are excellent, too but the chorus is enough to get the drift of my mood, yes? Oh, and the two songs that have followed are "Anyone Who Had a Heart" and "Unchained Melody". Winamp's random song selector is really fucking with my head today.

"I need your love, Godspeed your love to me"

Hah.

Okay, no, I will not let this ruin my day. I cannot. Too much studying to get through. Drama rehearsals require a positive attitude. Hiding my feelings for another day requires more than that. Oh, and Arsenal are through to the semi-frickin-finals of the Champs League so there's gotta be something good about today.

Robbie's "Come Undone" now. I swear, it's the random song selector. God works in mysterious ways, perhaps. No, but I will not let myself come undone. Not now, anyway. I realised that I apply my old technique to these feelings I have for him. Like how before I kept post-poning suicide (yes, I am aware how spastic that sounds) by setting deadlines and then delaying it somehow, I can do that with him. I can keep delaying that conversation, the inevitable one about how I want him so fucking desperately and how he will never feel that way about me and how I cannot stand just being his friend anymore cuz it's just not enough.

Right. I can totally pull this off.

Hmm.

Okay, let's leave that for now. Getting through rehearsals will be hard enough for one day. Should I go to Subang? Not having the computer would suck muchly. But then today doesn't exactly stetch out appealingly either. Of course, the fact that he'll have to send me there has nothing to do with it... Oh Me, so sad and lost and deluded. I guess I will let him... or fate or whatever decide.

So... plans for the day. Not to keep thinking about him, for starters. Brushing my frickin' teeth should also be on the agenda, somewhere. =P Then I will study and figure out my clothing situation. Bah, all these songs are so depressing. Beautiful but depressing, nonetheless.

Currently, it's U2's "All I Want is You" from Reality Bites. Such an awesome movie - please don't let them be playing it right now! K, I better just get off the computer and get on with life.

Final thoughts... Please let him be in a better frame of mind, let me say the right things and let rehearsals and the aftermath go smoothly. *fingers crossed*

Ooh... twice in a day... special

Best part of all is that Blogger counted the last post as Tuesday. Somehow this is important in my twisted little mind. I know, I know, I scare myself, too.

God, just talking to him is such an event. I don't know what to do about him. I know that I cannot have him and yet... it doesn't seem to matter. I keep telling myself to keep a distance but the reality is, I want to be as close as humanly possible. And I know that that's not fucking smart at all but there you go. He's irresistable for whatever reason. Despite the masochistic tendencies, the perfectionism, the walls, TOG... despite whatever. It's too late to stop the way I feel for him, if it was ever possible to.

It really makes me sad, though. I mean, it's so weird to be having fun at rehearsals (hah, let's ignore the minor detail that it hasn't been fun the whole week) but at the same time, be feeling shitty. Even weirder when I realise that around him, I am somehow incredibly happy and alive yet also totally fucking miserable. I mean, I've felt this way before (keyword : keith) but it isn't any easier to take the second time around.

The worst part is this whole back-and-forth thing that we do. I know he's just kidding but I want it to be real so badly that I convince myself he's playing games. OF course, maybe he is. But it doesn't really matter. I simply cannot not be around him voluntarily. That much I know and I will admit it point blank here. Good, bad or ugly, I am in this for as long as I can keep it going/he will tolerate me. The problem is in trying to walk the line between "flirting" and flirting. The bigger problem is finding someone else I want this badly who will also want me.

Okay, I want to address the whole "Could he be any further off from my type??" thing, but I think I'll save that for another day. After all, he's waiting for me =P to send a file but still... Lord, help me.

No time to actually be posting... but hey

I have a presentation in 40 minutes. So technically, this is really not what I should be doing at the moment. But something's different with me these days. I've realised that. I don'tknow if it's him or me or just the side of me that he's brought out.

Bah. People are here. To be continued, hopefully. Damn, I knew I didn't have enough time to blog.

Inspiration comes from the strangest places

Okay, this is my first post, darn, the pressure to be fascinating is overwhelming! =P But really, I don't actually want anyone to read this. Although if that was the absolute truth, I wouldn't even bother posting my innermost feelings on the frickin' WWW, would I? So there goes Me, contradicting herself after two sentences. Haha, it's probably a new record.

Sigh.

Right... I did promise to be 100% original, didn't I? I doubt I can live up to that all the time, cuz as amazing as it seems to me, sometimes I am just like everyone else (gasp!). Unfortunately, people don't seem to like me any better then, either. =(

So maybe I should explain tonight's title. Without mentioning names (my paranoia won't let me do that since she and the rest could still figure it's me) let me just say that the Drama Queen extradonaire (just DQ, for convenience sake) unwittingly inspired me to start blogging. It's so weird how I actually started to think she was a normal person when I first read her blog. Granted, the insane jealousy (which I still believe is dedicated to ME) was shocking, to say the least. But reading about her friendships and family life kinda made me wanna give her another chance. Then, of course, we see her and that ridiculous attitude is right there all over again. She just could not possibly be more difficult. Lord, it drives me insane to stand there and put up with her kindergarten BS. And the fact that he keeps pandering to her!!! Argggghhhhhhhh.

Friday was just so insane. I cannot get over it. My beloved little phone, the only real thing I've bought for myself, the cute maroon finish that I tried so hard to preserve, the pictures and sms's from HIM and everyone else that matters/mattered to me. The numbers of people who have long since forgotten me but whom I was still clinging on to in some perverse way. Beyond that, the issue of getting the line reconnected or dealing with all this prepaid BS and ALL the other shit that's going on. But most of all, just the reality of having someone taken away so suddenly.

I wish I'd let him hug me. But I know I would've made an ass of myself, a bigger one than I am currently making, day by day as I try unsuccessfully to hide just how amazing he is and how badly I want him in my life. I can so clearly foresee this thing with him (does it even qualify as a thing?) ending horribly, on my part. I'm terrified that I will make him uncomfortable with my feelings or overwhelmed by my fucked-upness or bored by both. I know he would never want me - hell, it's even more likely for him to like HER (God, no!!) than me. I'm not his idea of attractive and I'm way too fucking complicated for someone who's already complex and has so much to do and see. He needs someone like The Other Girl (TOG, for future reference) but of course, she doesn't want him, not at the moment, anyways. So there's the DQ and ME chasing him while he chases the pixie-like and lovely TOG who's involved with someone else.

Double sigh.

I'm thinking this is more than enough blogging for one day, especially for a first day. I should be finishing the crappy assignment or working on the presentation rather than doing this. But my mind is just so fucked at the moment. The phone thing, the family drama, the 700 things to be done for class and theatre, REALISING I CAN'T HAVE HIM... it's all taken such a toll on me. This is the weekend from hell and what terrifies me is that I'll allow all this to ruin the good things in my life. Because there are good things going on, or at least, there is the promise of good things, which is basically due to HIM, go figure. He has given me an oppurtunity to put myself out there and I cannot waste it. But at the same time, I don't know how to get myself out of this. Not tonight anyway.

Damn, the electricity is getting all weird. I better get outta here.