Where does this go?
Okay. Not really sure why I haven't blogged - though it's only been two days, I have technically had the time to. But I guess what Jeev said makes sense and also, truthfully speaking, I've been afraid to put down exactly what I'm feeling. The insane reasoning behind that brilliant BS being that I can keep deluding myself that things are better, that I am doing better, that I can move on from this right NOW.
So tonight will be the reality check, I guess. Wait, I'm gonna go fuck with my head some more and read her stupid blog first. Gimme a sec. Oh fuck. Why did I read it? I'm such a fucking masochist la. In which case, enjoy this moment. Hah, we just have so much in common, don't we? Well, except for her, of course. Bah.
Oh God. How does this work out? Why doesn't our friendship mean anything to him? I had such dreams. I get it, dreams. But it was based on his suggestions, invitations... I want to say, promises but that's a lie. Still, he was the one to say, dinner. He said, holiday on our own. He said it, and I spun fairy tales and romance and... all the things that they did/do/will do. Oh God.
Why is he... what's the word? Why am I no longer important to him? Is it because I never was? Was the commaraderie (yes, I am aware of what a lukewarm word that is) truly just a front cuz he needed (again, loosely used) my help? Seriously? I just cannot believe that about him. Which is probably my ultimate stupidity.
I keep thinking about telling him. It would mean not being a part of TOS, I guess. At least not for the next production, which would likely end all the friendships, etc. It would mean awkwardness or just flat-out being ignored during Cognitive Psych or anywhere around college. Worse than that, it would probably mean awkward conversations, apologies... I don't even know what else. He's entirely capable of saying, "Hey, let's make out now". And let's be honest here, in the blog that no one reads, I would most likely go along with it. Or I may even throw myself at him. Hell, it worked out pretty well for her, didn't it.
(We shall address the issue of why the fuck he "obliged" if he really didn't want to later)
Okay, so I've listed the potential/likely negative outcomes if I do tell him. Right. So now I shall attempt to find some "positive" outcomes. Lol. But really, there are some. For one, he will at least know why I've been hurting and how much I've been hurting. This isn't so that he feels bad or guilty (although he deserves it - honestly). I care about him too much to want him to hurt. BUT I do want him to understand how difficult this has been and how wrong his behavior is. And yes, there is still that spastic little girl in me who is actually hoping he will really, really want ME. It's not 100% impossible. It isn't gonna happen, but it is still somehow remotely possible. But wait, there must be another reason... right? Right?? K, gimme a sec. Um. Erm. Oh, yeah. Maybe he will react so badly that I will (yes, after crying for months or years) actually snap outta this BS.
Oh God. A Walk to Remember. We all know that I WILL watch it. We also that that it WILL make me cry/depressed/whatever else. This very moment in time, I sincerely don't know how I'm going to survive this situation. I mean that so sincerely. As in, it blows my mind to think that I will never get to ask him, why did that american dude influence you so much? Why didn't you just continue performing arts? Why are you contradictory? Well, the last one I'd rather find out for myself. It kills me that I may never have that easy camaraderie with him again. I didn't make the most of it. But then I didn't know it would be snatched away so soon. No one told me.
He's so amazing. So incredibly frustrating and messed-up but still. One of the most unique people I've ever known. So much potential. How can I not love him? Oh God.
Jeev said to never mention him again. Oh God. I don't know how I'm going to get through this. I know I can but I don't really want to. Not in that way, just that I really don't want to believe it's impossible. Can I say it here? I think we could be awesome together. I really do. I don't mean that it would be perfect. We'd probably fight a lot, especially in the beginning. But if he can let me in and I can accept the million things he wants to see/try/be, it could be amazing. We're both smart, kind, decent, lonely, searching. At least, I used to think so. But maybe I don't actually know him.
So sleepy right now. Really unsure about this skate-surf thing. I just don't wanna be home all day. But then seeing them. Bah. Forget it la. We're not addressing the other things tonight. Need to rest me eyes.
So tonight will be the reality check, I guess. Wait, I'm gonna go fuck with my head some more and read her stupid blog first. Gimme a sec. Oh fuck. Why did I read it? I'm such a fucking masochist la. In which case, enjoy this moment. Hah, we just have so much in common, don't we? Well, except for her, of course. Bah.
Oh God. How does this work out? Why doesn't our friendship mean anything to him? I had such dreams. I get it, dreams. But it was based on his suggestions, invitations... I want to say, promises but that's a lie. Still, he was the one to say, dinner. He said, holiday on our own. He said it, and I spun fairy tales and romance and... all the things that they did/do/will do. Oh God.
Why is he... what's the word? Why am I no longer important to him? Is it because I never was? Was the commaraderie (yes, I am aware of what a lukewarm word that is) truly just a front cuz he needed (again, loosely used) my help? Seriously? I just cannot believe that about him. Which is probably my ultimate stupidity.
I keep thinking about telling him. It would mean not being a part of TOS, I guess. At least not for the next production, which would likely end all the friendships, etc. It would mean awkwardness or just flat-out being ignored during Cognitive Psych or anywhere around college. Worse than that, it would probably mean awkward conversations, apologies... I don't even know what else. He's entirely capable of saying, "Hey, let's make out now". And let's be honest here, in the blog that no one reads, I would most likely go along with it. Or I may even throw myself at him. Hell, it worked out pretty well for her, didn't it.
(We shall address the issue of why the fuck he "obliged" if he really didn't want to later)
Okay, so I've listed the potential/likely negative outcomes if I do tell him. Right. So now I shall attempt to find some "positive" outcomes. Lol. But really, there are some. For one, he will at least know why I've been hurting and how much I've been hurting. This isn't so that he feels bad or guilty (although he deserves it - honestly). I care about him too much to want him to hurt. BUT I do want him to understand how difficult this has been and how wrong his behavior is. And yes, there is still that spastic little girl in me who is actually hoping he will really, really want ME. It's not 100% impossible. It isn't gonna happen, but it is still somehow remotely possible. But wait, there must be another reason... right? Right?? K, gimme a sec. Um. Erm. Oh, yeah. Maybe he will react so badly that I will (yes, after crying for months or years) actually snap outta this BS.
Oh God. A Walk to Remember. We all know that I WILL watch it. We also that that it WILL make me cry/depressed/whatever else. This very moment in time, I sincerely don't know how I'm going to survive this situation. I mean that so sincerely. As in, it blows my mind to think that I will never get to ask him, why did that american dude influence you so much? Why didn't you just continue performing arts? Why are you contradictory? Well, the last one I'd rather find out for myself. It kills me that I may never have that easy camaraderie with him again. I didn't make the most of it. But then I didn't know it would be snatched away so soon. No one told me.
He's so amazing. So incredibly frustrating and messed-up but still. One of the most unique people I've ever known. So much potential. How can I not love him? Oh God.
Jeev said to never mention him again. Oh God. I don't know how I'm going to get through this. I know I can but I don't really want to. Not in that way, just that I really don't want to believe it's impossible. Can I say it here? I think we could be awesome together. I really do. I don't mean that it would be perfect. We'd probably fight a lot, especially in the beginning. But if he can let me in and I can accept the million things he wants to see/try/be, it could be amazing. We're both smart, kind, decent, lonely, searching. At least, I used to think so. But maybe I don't actually know him.
So sleepy right now. Really unsure about this skate-surf thing. I just don't wanna be home all day. But then seeing them. Bah. Forget it la. We're not addressing the other things tonight. Need to rest me eyes.
posted by Mel at 8:51 PM
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