Ooh... twice in a day... special
Best part of all is that Blogger counted the last post as Tuesday. Somehow this is important in my twisted little mind. I know, I know, I scare myself, too.
God, just talking to him is such an event. I don't know what to do about him. I know that I cannot have him and yet... it doesn't seem to matter. I keep telling myself to keep a distance but the reality is, I want to be as close as humanly possible. And I know that that's not fucking smart at all but there you go. He's irresistable for whatever reason. Despite the masochistic tendencies, the perfectionism, the walls, TOG... despite whatever. It's too late to stop the way I feel for him, if it was ever possible to.
It really makes me sad, though. I mean, it's so weird to be having fun at rehearsals (hah, let's ignore the minor detail that it hasn't been fun the whole week) but at the same time, be feeling shitty. Even weirder when I realise that around him, I am somehow incredibly happy and alive yet also totally fucking miserable. I mean, I've felt this way before (keyword : keith) but it isn't any easier to take the second time around.
The worst part is this whole back-and-forth thing that we do. I know he's just kidding but I want it to be real so badly that I convince myself he's playing games. OF course, maybe he is. But it doesn't really matter. I simply cannot not be around him voluntarily. That much I know and I will admit it point blank here. Good, bad or ugly, I am in this for as long as I can keep it going/he will tolerate me. The problem is in trying to walk the line between "flirting" and flirting. The bigger problem is finding someone else I want this badly who will also want me.
Okay, I want to address the whole "Could he be any further off from my type??" thing, but I think I'll save that for another day. After all, he's waiting for me =P to send a file but still... Lord, help me.
God, just talking to him is such an event. I don't know what to do about him. I know that I cannot have him and yet... it doesn't seem to matter. I keep telling myself to keep a distance but the reality is, I want to be as close as humanly possible. And I know that that's not fucking smart at all but there you go. He's irresistable for whatever reason. Despite the masochistic tendencies, the perfectionism, the walls, TOG... despite whatever. It's too late to stop the way I feel for him, if it was ever possible to.
It really makes me sad, though. I mean, it's so weird to be having fun at rehearsals (hah, let's ignore the minor detail that it hasn't been fun the whole week) but at the same time, be feeling shitty. Even weirder when I realise that around him, I am somehow incredibly happy and alive yet also totally fucking miserable. I mean, I've felt this way before (keyword : keith) but it isn't any easier to take the second time around.
The worst part is this whole back-and-forth thing that we do. I know he's just kidding but I want it to be real so badly that I convince myself he's playing games. OF course, maybe he is. But it doesn't really matter. I simply cannot not be around him voluntarily. That much I know and I will admit it point blank here. Good, bad or ugly, I am in this for as long as I can keep it going/he will tolerate me. The problem is in trying to walk the line between "flirting" and flirting. The bigger problem is finding someone else I want this badly who will also want me.
Okay, I want to address the whole "Could he be any further off from my type??" thing, but I think I'll save that for another day. After all, he's waiting for me =P to send a file but still... Lord, help me.
posted by Mel at 10:33 PM
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