I can't believe this
Oh my god. You are just kidding me, right? What happened today did not really happen today. It didn't, right? I know it fucking did but please, please tell me it didn't. He didn't tell me those things. I don't know that they made out. That she left her fucking panties in his fucking car. I don't know any of that. And I definitely didn't read on her fucking blog that it happened TWICE. What the fuck happened twice??? WHAT???????
Oh my God. I cannot handle this. I mean, yes, I know I can and I will but this is such fucking bullshit. Insane. He has no right to tell me things like this. What the fuck is his problem?? What the fuck? Go tell TOG or some guy friend or any fucking one else. Not me. It was already going to be hard. It was already going to be so damn hard. Now...
My God, I'm such a loser. I read her first stupid entry and I never once thought they had made out. Never once entered my mind. How much stupider can I get? I never really expected them to... and that's my ultimate stupidity, isn't it? We all saw the fucking spark or whatever you wanna call it, I said I knew he was into her. But clearly, my stupid little heart didn't really accept it. My stupid, little broken heart.
And then I had to put that message on MSN. And he had to fucking come online. "Except me, yes? :)" Fuck you. I'm talking about YOU, moron. But I can't tell you that, can I? What the fuck happens next? If I tell him that I'm uncomfortable (God Almighty, understatement of the century) talking about stuff like that, he's going to wonder why and ask stupid questions. And anyway, that message is bound to make him wonder, ain't it? Here's one time I sincerely hope he just ignores me and moves on. It won't solve all my problems but it's better than nothing. Oh God, but it really won't solve my problems.
Oh my God, I am so angry. I am so upset. I cannot even think right now. This is an insane situation. Tell him. The friendship is over. The friendship isn't enough anymore. But it's better than nothing. Is it really? Pretending, listening to more of him fucking her or whatever it is that they'll be doing next? Wanting him so bad and knowing he doesn't even see me as a woman. What does he see me as????? Some glorified groupie? Have I been throwing myself at him? He totally takes me for granted. Oh God.
Talking to Jeev didn't make me feel better. That's a first. Made me feel worse, in fact. That's not supposed to happen. They clearly don't really care if I'm around or not. Take it or leave it. Ruby, him, possibly even Jeev. Clearly then all the rest don't care either. This always happens. I cannot take it anymore. I cannot keep putting myself out there and get rejected. I just cannot handle this.
I'm ready to give up right now. I just don't know how to get out of this. I feel completely stuck. I cannot even think properly. But I know sleep won't come. Not really. Oh God. What do I do? How did everything go so wrong just when it seemed to change for the better? Why does everything fuck up for me? What am I doing wrong? She says that I "let" it happen. What the fuck does that mean? I didn't want to fall in love with him.
Oh fuck it all. I'm going to try to sleep.
Oh my God. I cannot handle this. I mean, yes, I know I can and I will but this is such fucking bullshit. Insane. He has no right to tell me things like this. What the fuck is his problem?? What the fuck? Go tell TOG or some guy friend or any fucking one else. Not me. It was already going to be hard. It was already going to be so damn hard. Now...
My God, I'm such a loser. I read her first stupid entry and I never once thought they had made out. Never once entered my mind. How much stupider can I get? I never really expected them to... and that's my ultimate stupidity, isn't it? We all saw the fucking spark or whatever you wanna call it, I said I knew he was into her. But clearly, my stupid little heart didn't really accept it. My stupid, little broken heart.
And then I had to put that message on MSN. And he had to fucking come online. "Except me, yes? :)" Fuck you. I'm talking about YOU, moron. But I can't tell you that, can I? What the fuck happens next? If I tell him that I'm uncomfortable (God Almighty, understatement of the century) talking about stuff like that, he's going to wonder why and ask stupid questions. And anyway, that message is bound to make him wonder, ain't it? Here's one time I sincerely hope he just ignores me and moves on. It won't solve all my problems but it's better than nothing. Oh God, but it really won't solve my problems.
Oh my God, I am so angry. I am so upset. I cannot even think right now. This is an insane situation. Tell him. The friendship is over. The friendship isn't enough anymore. But it's better than nothing. Is it really? Pretending, listening to more of him fucking her or whatever it is that they'll be doing next? Wanting him so bad and knowing he doesn't even see me as a woman. What does he see me as????? Some glorified groupie? Have I been throwing myself at him? He totally takes me for granted. Oh God.
Talking to Jeev didn't make me feel better. That's a first. Made me feel worse, in fact. That's not supposed to happen. They clearly don't really care if I'm around or not. Take it or leave it. Ruby, him, possibly even Jeev. Clearly then all the rest don't care either. This always happens. I cannot take it anymore. I cannot keep putting myself out there and get rejected. I just cannot handle this.
I'm ready to give up right now. I just don't know how to get out of this. I feel completely stuck. I cannot even think properly. But I know sleep won't come. Not really. Oh God. What do I do? How did everything go so wrong just when it seemed to change for the better? Why does everything fuck up for me? What am I doing wrong? She says that I "let" it happen. What the fuck does that mean? I didn't want to fall in love with him.
Oh fuck it all. I'm going to try to sleep.
posted by Mel at 6:50 PM
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