Please let today be the end

Please let me resolve all this crap with him, about him, whatever else, today. Please don't let this "conversation" end up making things worse or leave questions unanswered or unresolved. Even though that seems clearly idealistic to me, I still need it to happen!! I need to just move on. I mean, seriously. I have to find some direction, structure, something for myself. I cannot be so dependent on people to make me feel better about myself, to keep me occupied, to pick me up(in every sense of the word).

Too damn cold to fucking write!!! Or even to bloody think la. This lab is insane today! ah. I need food, a warm bed and most of all, peace of mind. Hopefully he can help me provide 2 outta the 3 and I can happily provide the other. I'm not even making sense anymore, am I? It's the cold, I swear. K, shutting up now. There's fun stuff on YOGA to find. Lalalalalala.

No time

Gotta run but I need cyberspace (and myself) to know that IT IS TIME TO MOVE ON!!!!! Stop thinking about him, stop being a stupid female and get on with your life. It is there to be lived and you have nothing to gain by being this way. No one can help you if you don't change this. Right now.

K, this sounds sooooooo lame but yes, let's hope it works.

Why do I keep feeling this way??

Oh God. I am so depressed. WHY? The swim lesson was largely fun. Resh was great to me and it did make me more confident about my body or whatever. But why the hell doesn't that matter right now? Oh god... let's be honest. Because another day has passed and he still hasn't spoken to me. God.

I am having a conversation with Pat and yet I am depressed. So this isn't about not having people in my life. Well, it still sorta is but yeah. I just... feel like bursting into tears and hiding under my covers until I can get to the store and buy enough Panadol to make this all go away.

Oh my God, how can i *still* be thinking this way? After all the supposed changes of this year? The new people in my life? This is ungratefulness, isn't it? Probably. Maybe. But it just feels like the truth to me. The depression feels like the truth and everything else feels like a lie. So ironic that Resh just said the opposite today.

I don't want this to be my life. I want to be happy. Why is it so damn difficult? Everyone says that it's just me making it difficult. Why would I do that??

Ok, I'm going to try to forget this train of thought. Frasier is fun enough (ooh, it got dangerous at one point, didn't it) and I have grapes and then there's the online realm to keep me occupied til I'm (hopefully) sleepy enough to just sleep.

Hmm... things have sorta improved in the last 30 minutes, haven't they? At least he's talking to me. But then I can overanalyze why that bloody matters so bloody much. Argh, save that for another day la. The important question now is, am I really gonna stay up just for the possibility of chatting with him? Apparently so... but I swear, I'll draw the line... soon. And hey, I'm also waiting for Jeev to call me back, which I'm guessing he won't =P if you're actually reading this!

Speaking of which, I'm gonna put up the pic this time around and since you're the only person who'll ever see it and you really don't want to see it, why exactly am I posting it? Well, cuz it really does say more than a 1000 words. And since you just told me I can't write (sob sob), what other choice do I have?? Argh, now I'm talking to you like as if this is MSN or something. Shut up, Melissa. K, I'm freaking myself out here... and you, too, I'm guessing. Lol. It ends now, I promise.

Enjoy the pic! It's all about the LAYERS...