I'm sorry... But it has to be said

The overwhelming question running through my little mind as I valiantly keep trying to study such crucial Edu Psych concepts as motivation and the social constructivists theories is this:

WHY?

Why do I keep giving my heart away? Why do I let myself care about people when I know I always get hurt and I always end up alone.

Alone.

Oh god. I should've known better. Happiness is not meant for me. Not really. It is always fleeting and always, always comes with a price that I just cannot pay.

People always leave.

Always.

I should've known better.

Days, weeks, months of bliss, contentment, reassurance, smiles, laughter, warmth, passion, LOVE. Then... emptiness, misery, loss, loneliness, uncertainty, worry, REALITY.

Is it worth it? Actually, I don't doubt that it really is. The real question is, can I? Nevermind the fairness or irony or anything else. Just simply, can I?

Beyond that, why does this happen to me? Why is everything and everyone that's good and pure in my life always temporary? Why can't I just have love? Just from one person - unconditional, happy-ever-after, I'll-never-ever-leave-you kinda love?

You know what hurts the most? That we really could have been. And you know it, too.

Please let today be the end

Please let me resolve all this crap with him, about him, whatever else, today. Please don't let this "conversation" end up making things worse or leave questions unanswered or unresolved. Even though that seems clearly idealistic to me, I still need it to happen!! I need to just move on. I mean, seriously. I have to find some direction, structure, something for myself. I cannot be so dependent on people to make me feel better about myself, to keep me occupied, to pick me up(in every sense of the word).

Too damn cold to fucking write!!! Or even to bloody think la. This lab is insane today! ah. I need food, a warm bed and most of all, peace of mind. Hopefully he can help me provide 2 outta the 3 and I can happily provide the other. I'm not even making sense anymore, am I? It's the cold, I swear. K, shutting up now. There's fun stuff on YOGA to find. Lalalalalala.

No time

Gotta run but I need cyberspace (and myself) to know that IT IS TIME TO MOVE ON!!!!! Stop thinking about him, stop being a stupid female and get on with your life. It is there to be lived and you have nothing to gain by being this way. No one can help you if you don't change this. Right now.

K, this sounds sooooooo lame but yes, let's hope it works.

Why do I keep feeling this way??

Oh God. I am so depressed. WHY? The swim lesson was largely fun. Resh was great to me and it did make me more confident about my body or whatever. But why the hell doesn't that matter right now? Oh god... let's be honest. Because another day has passed and he still hasn't spoken to me. God.

I am having a conversation with Pat and yet I am depressed. So this isn't about not having people in my life. Well, it still sorta is but yeah. I just... feel like bursting into tears and hiding under my covers until I can get to the store and buy enough Panadol to make this all go away.

Oh my God, how can i *still* be thinking this way? After all the supposed changes of this year? The new people in my life? This is ungratefulness, isn't it? Probably. Maybe. But it just feels like the truth to me. The depression feels like the truth and everything else feels like a lie. So ironic that Resh just said the opposite today.

I don't want this to be my life. I want to be happy. Why is it so damn difficult? Everyone says that it's just me making it difficult. Why would I do that??

Ok, I'm going to try to forget this train of thought. Frasier is fun enough (ooh, it got dangerous at one point, didn't it) and I have grapes and then there's the online realm to keep me occupied til I'm (hopefully) sleepy enough to just sleep.

Hmm... things have sorta improved in the last 30 minutes, haven't they? At least he's talking to me. But then I can overanalyze why that bloody matters so bloody much. Argh, save that for another day la. The important question now is, am I really gonna stay up just for the possibility of chatting with him? Apparently so... but I swear, I'll draw the line... soon. And hey, I'm also waiting for Jeev to call me back, which I'm guessing he won't =P if you're actually reading this!

Speaking of which, I'm gonna put up the pic this time around and since you're the only person who'll ever see it and you really don't want to see it, why exactly am I posting it? Well, cuz it really does say more than a 1000 words. And since you just told me I can't write (sob sob), what other choice do I have?? Argh, now I'm talking to you like as if this is MSN or something. Shut up, Melissa. K, I'm freaking myself out here... and you, too, I'm guessing. Lol. It ends now, I promise.

Enjoy the pic! It's all about the LAYERS...

Revelations while watching CL

K, my blog is finally working so I'm posting what I wrote on Thursday morning while I *forced* myself to stay up for SOMEone =P I got this cute notebook that I really hope triggers off my creative writing. I'm deathly afraid I won't be able to write anymore. Bah. But then, that's a separate post, isn't it?

Right. I was supposed to type out my "revelations". I want to cuz it really was important, albeit obvious stuff.

"Woohoo. I'm in a relatively GOOD mood. Ok, let's just call it a good mood la.And it's largely due to serendipity, Eddie & Prem, and the ray of sunshine known as Jeevs. I am so thankful in this moment, I really am. They are all right when they say that I am not appreciative enough. I swear I will strive to be more so. It can only improve my life. This is not to say that in this moment, everything is picture perfect or that I won't get depressed again in like 10 minutes when something involving him or Mummy or money crosses my mind. The problems are there and they are significant and they will bring me down but I must make my peace and move forward. The seeds have been planted for a brighter, better future. It is my DUTY to MYSELF to nurture the tentative relationships and oppurtunities that have been given to me. There is a chance to express and explore my creative energy which is ultimately a possible career option and the fulfillment of a lifelong dream. I just need to get back into writing and learn some basics, and most of all, be open to the whole process. It will not be easy, but as I have learnt, nothing worthwhile ever is.

Okay, so what about him? I still haven't decided what to do. Most opinions say, do NOTHING. That is NOT what I want. The question is, why? What do I really believe talking will achieve? Am I seriously still hoping he will want me? If I am, I am so seriously deluded, masochistic and just plain stupid. Resolving our issues? Knowing where I stand? Well, what if he realizes and THAT ends/messed up our friendship? What if he flat-out says, "what friendship?" ?? Is it really better knowing? The most important thing is TOS. Right??? See, that's what it comes down to and Jeev pointed that out. And it IS true. So now, think in terms of TOS and decide the best course of action. Hmm... "

And that's how I left it for the day. There are further revelations and more positive realizations which I will elaborate on in a bit. But the main concern for the moment is getting me some F.O.O.D and for that, I need to shut Ricky up. Bah. But he means well la, so. Anyway, there's this amazing pic that they took without my knowledge. I think it reflects reality so amazingly well, I got to put it up SOMEwhere and this is the only place I can. So there. Now that Jeevs knows my blog address (argh), SOMEone can view it, I guess. I really hope I never forget the lesson depicted so well in that picture. But there I go again, making too much of a simple snapshot. Oh well. The only thing that matters is that I don't allow this to happen again. Learn, child, learn! K, we shall shut up for now and update the "happy" blog instead.

Last post... for a few days, anyway

Well, I shall be Blogger-less and, more importantly, internet-less for the next few days. Sigh. Life already seems to empty, eh. Oh well. Hopefully, it will spur my creativity but methinks reality is, I'll end up reading and day-dreaming and watching tv. Hopefully Mummy and I don't get at each other TOO much. Lol. Yeah.

Okay, so my thoughts are a little scattered, as they always seem to be these days. Don't really wanna think about him although I'm sure that won't last long. Really hope Jeev can come tonight, although that's nothing unusual either. Lol. I'm really depending on him too much. But he's just so... dependable, I guess. The way I am for the real him. Heee, as scrawlingsgirl says. Or maybe indeed is a better word.

What about Johnno? I am so tempted to save his number and sms him sometime. But I know it's one of those bridges that you cannot uncross. Brilliantly original metaphor, I know, I know. Okay, I will save the number but then the rest is up to further consideration. Oops, can't even find the number. Okay, so that will be taken as a sign from the universe. Lol.

I'm actually having fun at the moment. Let's not think about tonight and the DQ's inevitable appearance la. Watching Brokeback - God, it's fucking romantic. Well, not quite in the usual sense but it's a powerful love story, nonetheless. Not agreeing with the way they handle stuff, though. Oh well. Real life, I guess. Gotta go shower first, then hopefully fit in the last bit along with packing and getting dressed. Bah. What happened to the whole empty day?? Where did it go? Hmm. Oh wait, that's a good thing, innit? Lol.

Mel's somewhat happy. Woohoo. Nuff said. Til Thursday or Friday, my nonexistent avid readers.

Dealing is hard

Well, another day, another post about him. While talking to him. My life is just plain weird. I am so in love with him. I know we would not work. I know that even our friendship is on such a superficial level, except when he needs someone to unload on. My God, it's so difficult. At least Ruby and TOG have real conversations. I don't know what caused the shift or whether it's actually always been this way, but it certainly feels different to me now.

Ok, this blog has been open since God knows what time. Been chatting with Pat all day. Hmm, didn't come up with a disguised name for her but I guess it doesn't matter. She was so nice to talk to; it's amazing how much we seem to agree on him! It's really reassuring to hear another female feel the same frustration as me, although naturally hers is on a somewhat different level. I would think she knows how I feel. But thank God she didn't bring it up. She's one amazing chick - putting up with him all these years. I only hope he appreciates her though I doubt he really does. But then, that's probably just my frustration speaking.

Anyway. Looking forward to the movie with Jeev but then, my mood isn't quite the best. And then that whole rule of not talking about HIM. Bah. It's just not possible la. But I really don't want to annoy Jeev and I know it does. So I will try my best. That doesn't sound committed enough, does it? Bah.

I'm telling myself that this guy has inevitably brought all these amazing people into my life. I should just be happy about that and build forward. He is just one of so many amazing people. So I WILL be happy and move on. Maintain a workable relationship with him, yes but do not let it become the focus of life. Jeev is totally right. He's a really confused person, he really is. Speak of the devil... He needs to sort himself out and he's not really trying, as far as I can see. But we're not going to psychoanalyse him. Not now, anyway.

Ok, I gots to get going. The proper analysing of thoughts shall have to wait for tomorrow. I really meant to sort through some more stuff before seeing Jeev so that I could give him something better than my usual him-talk. Oh well. I shall persevere.

Lol. Pat thinks her blog is long? Haha. I'm just such a rambler la. Blah blah blah. Okay, it ends... here.